S P R I N G !!!!

It's here! My second favorite time of the year. Spring heralds summer (my favorite time) and in my mind it is all about beginnings. Everything and anything seems possible in Spring. The flowers come back and you can smell them often times before you see them. On my walk yesterday the jasmine and the honeysuckle were wafting and enticing me. The weather is kinder, gentler. The summer birds start to come back and their laughter and chatter can be heard from sunup to sundown. We get cabin fever and decide to clean our homes and organize our closets. We get to switch out clothes and hang our winter coats up and out of the way! Here in the South of France the change in seasons is not as noticeable as home in Rhode Island but a bit more than Florida. Here, the sun gets warmer, the flowers blossom and the color of the sea changes to a deep and inviting blue. And the summer restaurants along the beach re-open!

I wonder why there aren't Spring resolutions like there are New Year's? I think we should start some.

My resolutions for Spring 2012 (a wonderful excuse to use bullet points!):

• Lose 10 more pounds before summer. 
• Drastically cut my hair and get a summer ready style. (suggestions please!)
• Visit the gym while I'm in Florida during April and May regularly and tone up!
• Set time aside every day to work on my book.
• Work on finding a way to sell my crazy crochet animals.
• And come up with a name for my crochet business. (help with this one would be great too!)

Well, I have a ton more resolutions I could add but enough is enough. I want to actually reach these, so let's leave the list there.

How about you? Leave me a comment about your Spring 2012 resolutions!!

Almost time to pack for Florida!

"I'm leaving on a Jet plane"

It's that time again for us. We have been staying here in France caring for my mother-in-law since the  beginning of January and come April 2nd we will be flying home for a long visit. In fact, for quite a while. The other siblings in the family, my husband's brother and two sisters, will be coming to take turns looking after their mother and visiting with her. So Dennis and I will be returning to his family in Florida for the month of April, May and a little bit of June! I already have plans to fly up to RI to see my family as well. I am really excited to be home again with everyone. I can't wait to drive our car again! It sounds small but believe me, once you are cut off from being independent you really enjoy the simplicity of getting in your car and just going.

I do worry about Miss Anna when we leave. Sadly, she cannot come home with us because there is no where for her to stay in FL. My step-son-in-law (that is probably not the proper way to write that) is very allergic so Mistress Anna must stay behind, soaking up the sun here in the South of France and keeping Denise and her visitors company. I wonder what Anna's journal entries will be like during the time we are gone?

                                                                                                                              April 2

Well...they left for the airport today. They seemed sad to leave me but I think they did it on purpose. All this talk about allergies and difficulty with my travel papers. It all sounds suspicious to me! Well, at least I can con everyone here to give me tons of treats and overfeed me while Sarah is gone! I'll be living the high life here in France while they sweat it out in Fl :) Hahahahahaha

At least that is what her eyes say when I pull my suitcase down and start selecting things to take with me. Anna sits in the hallway outside our room, head on her paws, with this look of absolute abandonment mixed with a "how could you?" look of betrayal. Its gonna be so hard leaving her!

Far from my sight, out of my heart

I learned a new French expression. Loin de mes yeux, loin de mon cœur. It means, far from my sight, out of my heart. I thought, given my situation, it was very interesting. It was used to express how we need to keep up with those we love, otherwise we will lose them in time. If we don't work at our relationships, distance and absence will cause them to fade.

Since I heard it, I've been applying this in all sorts of ways. Good and sad. I can't see my family or close friends regularly, so I need to keep in contact with them in other ways so that I will not lose being close in their hearts or they in mine.

On the flip side, if I hang in there, sugar and sweets will finally leave my heart and I will not long for them anymore, if I can just keep them out of my sight long enough. Maybe alcohol too.

It reminded me of something someone said when we first talked about moving to France. I knew I would miss everything and everyone around me and I was told that in time I wouldn't need them anymore and they wouldn't need me. In time, we would continue to live new lives and the dependency we had on each other would wane. They would forget me and I would forget them. Life would naturally move forward. And eventually there would be no place for me with them, nothing to miss.

The idea was reassuring in one small way because I knew I wouldn't feel lost and lonely forever but a lingering sadness took its place. I don't want them out of my heart.

Can things and people you love be out of your heart with just less time in your sight? Well, I don't think about iced coffee or chocolate smoothies like I once did. And cheese-less pizza strips or thanksgiving sandwiches (with the cranberry sauce and stuffing). But what about people and land? I live by the Sea here and it is beautiful yet I miss the RI beaches. I miss the trees of my home and the places I know. And the people? Forget it. They are far from my sight but not out of my heart, not yet. I want to hold each face close to the eyes of my soul, study each one to remember and then tuck them safely away in my memory until I see them in the flesh again.

So this expression is a warning to me. To not let the distance of my physical sight to cause me to forget those I love and miss. I will see them again soon. And until then I will carry them close, very close to my heart and see them clearly in my mind's eye.

Earl Grey

I walk Anna every morning down our street, across the road and down towards the olive tree garden. Sometimes I deviate and we go down the stairs toward the sea. We have a pattern, a rhythm that we follow every morning. Along our way we meet different people and their dogs, some who ignore us and some who lung and bark at Anna (the dogs lung, the people look the other way for the most part). I assume they are barking at Anna. Maybe its really me.

A few days ago I noticed something different. Several feet down the road, along a property that is edged in shrubbery too high to see over and too thick to see through, a scent that could only be described as Earl Grey tea wafted into my senses. I thought the first time I smelled it that I must be imagining it, since I drink Earl Grey every morning and my nose must just be impatient to get home. But day after day since then I have smelled it. Gently lingering at one spot along the shrubbery and then take a few steps and its gone. Like the perfume of an exotic flower just beyond my gaze. Oddly enough, its winter here and nothing is flowering. The evergreens are all that is left of the foliage and spring has not sprung yet. Strange. I like to think someone is sitting just behind those bushes, at a table set for tea with two china cups and saucers painted in a delicate floral design with pink petals. Cucumber sandwiches cut into squares with no crust, scones and biscuits with soft butter and preserves. The tea is steeping in the matching tea pot complete with cozy and all I need to do is cut through the greenery and sit at my spot. And there are spoons, naturally.

This reminds me of the honeysuckle in North Province RI. I would walk Anna around the neighborhood where we lived and there was one spot, down a side street, where you would be walking and suddenly the sweet smell of honeysuckle would flood over you. I spent so much time looking for the actual plant but I could never locate where the smell was coming from. Like a fool, I would turn this way and that, sniffing the air like a hound trying to find the trail of a fox. A few steps beyond and the cloud would vanish. The invisible honeysuckle cloud.  And here we have the invisible Earl Grey tea cloud. 

Things I've lost, Things I've gained

So here is a silly list I have compiled of the things I miss about the USA when I am in France: (in no particular order)

Free parking almost everywhere I need to go

Microwave popcorn

Chocolate chips

Roads that don't make me carsick when we drive 

My car

My king sized bed

Iced coffee (no, making it at home is NOT the same)

Privacy

My family and friends

Mint frozen yogurt from Publics

A bath tub

Screens on the windows

Air conditioning 

A bathroom and a kitchen I can actually fit in without bruising some part of my body

Speaking the language easily (but still not well)

A dishwasher

A garbage disposal

And on the flip side, this is my missing things about France list that I notice most when I'm stateside:

The views from everywhere you look

The pastry, bread and food available

The sea outside my window

Afternoon naps

The wine 

The cheese (its ridiculous how much is so readily available)

The frozen yogurt (only in the summer, down in Menton)

Anna (since she is here in France now)

Walking by the olive tree garden 

The Roman ruin next door

Walking along the sea with Dennis and Anna

Sunday drives into the mountains and eating out

Bernard cooking for us on Saturdays

The sounds of the sirens here (yes, I like them)

Waking up in the middle of the night to the moon shinning in our bedroom window

The quiet pace of our life here

The constant state of adventure (even going grocery shopping can be an adventure)

Memories of Home

While we were up visiting my family in RI for a week this past December I had some real fun times. Let me tell you about shopping at the Outlet Stores in Wrentham MA with my mom.

To understand this fully you need to know that even in non-holiday seasons, these outlet stores are traps. By traps I mean, you get trapped in traffic starting on the highway off ramp, then trapped in the parking lot, then trapped driving endlessly looking for a parking spot. Then you get trapped in lines with other humans.

But my mother and I both share a common problem. We have impossible feet. Without getting too detailed here, lets say that it is difficulty to find a shoe that fits, looks reasonably well and doesn't cause excruciating pain in several steps.  There are a limited few choices of shoe manufacturers and these outlet stores have several stores within that group. So brave the traps we did.

There was no traffic....we had no trouble finding a parking spot, things we looking good.  The weather was ridiculously cold and windy but we sally forth anyway.  After acquiring a map (naturally) we were able to concentrate on each desired target. The stores were crowded and hot but mostly we were doing well. Until we realized that no, I repeat NO shoes were fitting.

We reach yet another store on our list, packed with woman carrying shoe boxes, husbands carrying purses and children sitting on the benches texting their luckier friends who weren't stuck there.  I find four shoes I think may work, plop down on a bench, strip off my coat, gloves, sneakers and socks..begin to try on some shoes..EPIC FAIL. One pair looked good but felt too tight so I grab my purse and barefoot dash over to the place I found them to get another size. I dash back to my coat, sneakers and other shoe boxes. An ogre of a woman is standing near my things, looming. I proceed to pick up my boxes and sit back down.

"Can I have my sneakers?!" The ogre demands

"Um..I don't know where your sneakers are, I'm sorry" I reply

"You have them! The sales girl left them on this bench!" Ogre slim hits me as it stands a little too close this time.

"No, these are my boxes. They were sitting here where I left them" I explain

Then the ogre proceeds to grab, in its fat sweaty hands, the box at the top of my pile I am holding on my lap. And she walks off to another bench.

Flabbergasted, I simply watch the drama unfold.

She takes off her huge shoe, which had small village children stuck in the tread, pops open my box, discovers my black heels and gets up brandishing her foot ware, storms over to me.

Meanwhile, I notice a massive orange box marked SNEAKERS sitting on the shelf next to me.

The ogre has reached me by now. I reach for my sword but realize I forgot to wear it, thinking I would not need it here at the outlet stores.

"Looking for those?" I ask and point to the gargantuan orange box

 It grunted in reply and grabbing the box, storms off in the other direction.

UNBELIEVABLE

Store number three and I was done! I had enough of this adventure.

Needless to say, neither my mother nor I purchased anything that day, though we tried valiantly. Heading back out to the car I realized again how many silver grey Camrys there are in this world. Too many to be exact.  We could not find the car. Laughing hysterically, and freezing nearly to death, we walked endlessly with me holding the unlock button high above my head like a beacon, pressing the button over and over again in an effort to locate the car. We could hear it but couldn't find it. Where ever it was though, it was definitely unlocked! And I feel certain that the car saw us the entire time. Finally we found it, fell into it and immediately someone was waiting to park in our spot. Leaving the parking lot, the line of cars entering was barely moving and endless. We had just escaped!

Never ever a dull moment when my mom and I decide to do something.

Old Friends

Spent the day with my family and friends that I haven't seen in what feels like a lifetime or more.  Some of them have children grown enough to not remember me, some of them look totally different then when we last spoke and still others haven't shifted in any way.  That amazes me.

Most people who weren't expecting to see me looked genuinely surprised.  They said Hello but then did the double take "Hello!" immediately after.  I hope its because I looked so good that they didn't know it was me.....or maybe they just never thought they'd see me there.  Either way, they were shocked.

Funny how time passes and life passes and a year can slip so quickly for some of us and crawl by so painfully for others.  I felt the loss of one friend just as sharply as ever, the empty seat where she should have been like a beacon to me, pulsing her absence, glaring in my face.  I saw her family, raw still and wounded from losing her.  I am happy to have seen each of their loved faces and held them in my arms, even just for a moment, but the loss of her was like a terrible bitter taste in my throat, strong and burning making breathing difficult and filling my eyes with tears. Its almost been a year. It feels like no time has passed at all without her. I'm still holding my breath, waiting for her to sit down.

Most of all I was with my family, my whole family, together under one roof...as it should be, as I have wanted it to be for a very long time.  The only one missing was Dennis, since he was abandoned by me back in Florida (for further guilty confessions on this subject please see the previous blog entry)

The empty seat next to me was a reminder of the fact that my life and the me I am in my life now has changed in a year too.  Dennis is my life now and even being with all these people I love and miss, without him there is no home.  I am home in location but Dennis is where I hang my hat.  Its a seemingly obvious conclusion to many, I'm sure....but a reassuring one to me nonetheless.   Missing my husband is a good thing in my eyes.

I feel exhausted from the day, all tattered around the edges but not in a negative way.  I feel spent and satisified that I was able to connect with so many people from the pages of my memories.  Especially some toward whom I had given up for lost, scratched them off completely whenever they entered my thoughts.  I am happy to see their faces again and share a laugh with them, as if we saw each other only yesterday.  I have missed them and being in their company again, falling into the old ways with them again was so natural and so right.  Easy....as if nothing has changed.  In a spinning world of change, an island of something constant has a nice feeling to it.

Old friends...old friends..sat on their park bench like bookends....

can you imagine us years from today..sharing a park bench quietly

how terribly strange to be seventy......

time it was and what a time it was it was

a time of innocence, a time of confidences

long ago it must be, I have a photograph

preserve your memories, they're all that's left you