Paris-Day 2

I've been traveling quite a bit lately and because of that it isn't uncommon for me to wake up and have no idea where I am. So day 2 of Paris I did just that.  Blinked a few times, waited for my head to clear from the muddled dreams and as the fog cleared I heard traffic far away and the hammering sounds of construction.  I looked around the room and remembered....I am in Paris.  

Opening the window and stepping out into the brisk December morning, I drank in the sights and sounds, including the construction on the other side of our street where the Military Academy was. 

What to do with our brief, golden hours of daylight.  We head out to coffee.  Since we have been living in France long enough to understand the way things work, it wasn't difficult for us to find a cafe and order coffee and croissants. Paris isn't necessarily more expensive then any other city, its just as expensive. We drank our coffee and looked over our city maps while waiting for the croissants to come out of the oven. Well, we ran out of coffee before the oven could finish so, naturally, we needed more coffee.  Our bill for breakfast was as follows:

4 coffees

+

4 croissants

=

25 euros

or

$32.34

Needless to say, I wanted to dive out the window while Dennis was down in the bathroom.  Somehow, spending $32 on pastry and coffee seemed extravagant. Delightful but extravagant. 

After our breakfast debacle we walked toward Madame Eiffel to see how bad the crowds were at the tower elevators. And they were bad.  The tour buses parked on the side streets were a good indication. So we continued to the river where we discovered the boat shuttle that would bring you past 7 major sights and allow you to board and disembark all along the river, all day long. That was for tomorrow.

We continued across the river toward The Arc de Triomphe were we watched in fascination as eleven streets emptied out into the round about without direction or order. Complete chaos. I couldn't take my eyes away from the hornets nest of cars and buses, motorbikes and trucks swirling and vying for position around this massive monument that Napoleon commissioned in 1806 to pay tribute to his victories in battle. The foundation alone took 2 years to complete.  Sadly, the structure wasn't completed until 1836...not in time for the Emperor to see it for himself. However his remains were brought through the Arc before they were laid to rest in Invalides. You reach the Arc by passing through a tunnel under the crazy street above.  Walking around and through this beautiful 164 foot historical piece makes you feel tiny and brief.  For a fee, you can also walk up to the top and bask in the view.  It marks the beginning of the Champs-Elysees "the most beautiful street in the world".

Friday I'm in LOVE!

High Five For Friday! This week has been crazy for us. My mother-in-law has been in the hospital all week. Nothing too serious but severe dehydration and at her age (95!) it had to be treated by professionals. So between twice a day hospital visits, running our two online businesses from home, crocheting my crazy animals, writing my book, blogging and trying to exercise every day (plus the usual cooking and cleaning and walking the dog)...I am welcoming the weekend with open arms. Here is my list:

Five things I love!

1.  The way my puppy Anna does a huge stretch every time I ask her "Do you want to go for a walk?" She is so cute and the BEST exercise buddy!

2.  I love this little Fiat 500 and every time we see one I make my husband snap a picture of me next to it, acting like it's mine.

3. This little guy I just finished! He is a gift for my dear friend back home. The pattern is from www.planetjune.com and she has the best crochet patterns for adorable animals. Check her out!

4. The flowers are blooming here and summer is on it's way! I love that!!

5. And with summer coming....I will soon be eating this again! My all time favorite food combination.

Happy Friday everyone!

In flux

I am trying to decide whether I should switch to a different blog setup. I want to get the most readers and followers I can and I wonder if a change would facilitate that. Since I know just about nothing about blogging and getting my blog visited, I'm really writing blind here. Any and all suggestions that you dear readers would like to make, I accept gratefully. And here is a link to a practice switch that I am thinking about.  http://mindofahummingbird.tumblr.com/  Please visit it and let me know what you think.

Should I stay or should I go?

Happy Anniversary!

Today marks the 3rd wedding anniversary of my step-daughter Denise and her husband David.

Dennis and I are not able to join in celebrating this happy day in person because thousands of miles separate us but our thoughts are with Denise and David and we wish them a happy happy day full of love and good memories and a lifetime more of happy anniversaries!!!

Date night: A visit to the Cinema in Monte-Carlo

Being full-time caretakers to my 95-year-old mother-in-law here in France and working from home full-time running 2 Internet based companies, my husband and I have very little time for ourselves. Which also leads to very little time out and we are almost never alone together since my mother-in-law requires 24 hour care and we cannot leave her.

In this challenging situation, we are enormously grateful when someone can stand in for us for a few hours so that we can run errands or get our hair cut or buy groceries. We are even more excited when we can go out on a date because it is so rare! Since we came back from our 3 week visit stateside in December, we have not been on a date. Which is exactly what we were able to do last night. Our new friend Lisa came and stayed here for a few hours while Dennis and I went to the movies. It was delightful!

Living in the South of France, finding a cinema where I could understand the film is a little challenging. But, as it turns out, we just needed to travel to our neighbor country of Monaco. About five miles away, Monaco borders our town of Roquebrune-Cap Martin on the western border.

A short drive to Monaco, where we parked in one of the many underground parking facilities and a short walk brought us to the Cinema of Monte-Carlo. They offered 2 movies in English so we opted to see The Iron Lady. The theatre was spacious and clean. The popcorn was salty and perfect. The Iron Lady was heartbreaking and lovely. Such a great film!!  We finished the night by driving down to the Port of Monaco and sharing a wonderful pizza at a corner restaurant that sat directly opposite to the driveway entrance of the Palace of Monaco. Not my usual night at the movies!

Dennis and I hamming it up outside the Casino in Monte-Carlo. Not the average location for a movie theatre! 

I did ask for no mushrooms but pulling them off after the fact worked out just fine!

Wonderful date night! Thank you so much Lisa! We enjoyed every moment!

Any excuse for fireworks!

Here in the outskirts of Menton, France we are enjoying the continued celebration of the Lemon Festival.

Last night was another parade night with the rumor of fireworks. So at 9:30 P.M. we drove our 1980s Mercedes down to the town and parked as close as we could to the road block. Walking towards the parade barrier, we selected a lovely little street side restaurant where we enjoyed a delicious cappuccino and the taster plate of miniature desserts. As our server pointed out, if we couldn't choose which dessert to try, try them all! From the brownie to the tiny tiramisu, I was enthralled.

Plus, the tiny desserts were served, not on a plate, but on a piece of slate!

Soon, the street lights went out, cluing us into the start of the fireworks. We paid our bill and dashed outside, joining the crowds on the street as they made their way down to the steps that lead to the beach.

With the waves of the Mediterranean lapping near our feet, we watched as Menton light up the night, in tribute to Lemons.

So much fun on a Thursday night in March.

Far from my sight, out of my heart

I learned a new French expression. Loin de mes yeux, loin de mon cœur. It means, far from my sight, out of my heart. I thought, given my situation, it was very interesting. It was used to express how we need to keep up with those we love, otherwise we will lose them in time. If we don't work at our relationships, distance and absence will cause them to fade.

Since I heard it, I've been applying this in all sorts of ways. Good and sad. I can't see my family or close friends regularly, so I need to keep in contact with them in other ways so that I will not lose being close in their hearts or they in mine.

On the flip side, if I hang in there, sugar and sweets will finally leave my heart and I will not long for them anymore, if I can just keep them out of my sight long enough. Maybe alcohol too.

It reminded me of something someone said when we first talked about moving to France. I knew I would miss everything and everyone around me and I was told that in time I wouldn't need them anymore and they wouldn't need me. In time, we would continue to live new lives and the dependency we had on each other would wane. They would forget me and I would forget them. Life would naturally move forward. And eventually there would be no place for me with them, nothing to miss.

The idea was reassuring in one small way because I knew I wouldn't feel lost and lonely forever but a lingering sadness took its place. I don't want them out of my heart.

Can things and people you love be out of your heart with just less time in your sight? Well, I don't think about iced coffee or chocolate smoothies like I once did. And cheese-less pizza strips or thanksgiving sandwiches (with the cranberry sauce and stuffing). But what about people and land? I live by the Sea here and it is beautiful yet I miss the RI beaches. I miss the trees of my home and the places I know. And the people? Forget it. They are far from my sight but not out of my heart, not yet. I want to hold each face close to the eyes of my soul, study each one to remember and then tuck them safely away in my memory until I see them in the flesh again.

So this expression is a warning to me. To not let the distance of my physical sight to cause me to forget those I love and miss. I will see them again soon. And until then I will carry them close, very close to my heart and see them clearly in my mind's eye.

Things I've lost, Things I've gained

So here is a silly list I have compiled of the things I miss about the USA when I am in France: (in no particular order)

Free parking almost everywhere I need to go

Microwave popcorn

Chocolate chips

Roads that don't make me carsick when we drive 

My car

My king sized bed

Iced coffee (no, making it at home is NOT the same)

Privacy

My family and friends

Mint frozen yogurt from Publics

A bath tub

Screens on the windows

Air conditioning 

A bathroom and a kitchen I can actually fit in without bruising some part of my body

Speaking the language easily (but still not well)

A dishwasher

A garbage disposal

And on the flip side, this is my missing things about France list that I notice most when I'm stateside:

The views from everywhere you look

The pastry, bread and food available

The sea outside my window

Afternoon naps

The wine 

The cheese (its ridiculous how much is so readily available)

The frozen yogurt (only in the summer, down in Menton)

Anna (since she is here in France now)

Walking by the olive tree garden 

The Roman ruin next door

Walking along the sea with Dennis and Anna

Sunday drives into the mountains and eating out

Bernard cooking for us on Saturdays

The sounds of the sirens here (yes, I like them)

Waking up in the middle of the night to the moon shinning in our bedroom window

The quiet pace of our life here

The constant state of adventure (even going grocery shopping can be an adventure)

Paris-Day 1

My first thought as I climb up the metro steps and surface on a street in Paris, "I can't believe I'm hot and its 30 degrees and raining. I'm sweating". We stop at a perfect pastry shop to ask for directions to our hotel and a kindly women in a clean brown apron points toward the left and nods and smiles at us. So we pull our luggage (mostly my luggage) in the direction she waved us. Its dark and raining. We reach the corner of the street quickly. We look left and see our hotel brightly welcoming us across the street. I turn to Dennis and say "that was easy to find" and behind him I see this.

And then I think, "Where do I go from here? What do you do when you have fulfilled your oldest dream?"

There is so much to absorb. I want to stand on the street and just stare. But the rain moves me toward our hotel. Crossing the cobblestone streets and splashing through puddles. Our hotel is modest and clean. Nothing fancy except for the wonderful bathtub with endless hot water and of course, the view. 

I just want to stand out on that balcony and soak in the moment. Why is this tower of metal and light so magical for me? I can't say, not even standing with her right there in front of me. But I can't take my eyes away and I never get tired of looking at her.  The train ride was lovely, traveling from Nice to Gare de Lyon. Everything is happening so fast. In the blink of my eyes the countryside of France has fled by the window and we arrived in the basement of Paris. Changing from the train to the Metro system was easy, just lots of stairs to climb and tunnels to navigate.  In what felt like a few quick heartbeats we are in our hotel room changing clothes and heading out for dinner. Can this be happening? I am in Paris. I really truly am. I feel like a silly little girl again. I can't stop smiling. In many ways the journey here to Paris took years, long sad years. It was my dream to see this place, to walk the streets and drink deeply of her history and romance. I hoped and dreamed it but never felt certain that it would ever happen. That's how dreams are, right? Elusive. Paris was the theme of every calender and yearly planner I bought, every picture I hung in my room, every movie I watched. Napoleon was my obsession. France was where I always wanted to be. 

And now, I am living in the South of France and I am walking on a street in Paris, with the lights of the city twinkling around me, holding the hand of the best man I have ever known, someone who truly loves me and speaks French. How did this happen? Don't wake me up.

I've seen Fire and I've seen Rain

I have a playlist of songs entitled "songs that make me cry".  At my old job, during surgery we would sometimes listen to a list we affectionately called "songs to kill yourself to".  Dennis looks over at me and says "why do women do that? Listen to music that upsets them?"  It is crazy. But somehow the weight in your chest that feels like it has no release, when you listen to certain music and let the pain out, the pressure lessens. Or so it seems to.

There is a bottle of water on the table in front of me. And it made me think about how much water we have drank since we went food shopping a few days ago. And that we need more water...and then I thought, my life has gone on. I'm living, breathing and drinking water. How could I when people I love are gone.

"Just yesterday morning, they let me know you were gone........

I've seen fire and I've seen rain, I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end, I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend but I always that that I would see you again"

Grieving has a process, life moves forward. Its healthy and natural. But it feels so wrong. How can life move on when a huge piece of you is missing? How? There are so many stories I haven't told her, so many things to ask her, so many ways to make her laugh, so many things to get her support on. How can life just keep moving when I don't want it to? How did I let this happen? Am I forgetting her?

And then you think about the people still in your life that you don't get to see. You are missing out on their lives, the moments every day that mold them, change them.  Daily events and decisions. Joy and fears, highs and lows. And no manner of distant contact can make up for not being there. And I am not there right now. I am so very far away, from all the things I love. 

Life is even more fragile then I ever thought, even more fleeting.  People simply disappear and there is nothing you can do. No manner of wishing or wanting or pleading will bring them back again. I went to France in a bubble of newness and joy the first time. And while I was gone, everything changed. And that changed me. I'm sitting at this table staring at a bottle of water, listening to James Taylor, crying over memories I am afraid to lose. Crying over the memories I am missing out on. Crying because I am living when people I love are sleeping. People I need. And no matter how hard I cry, the sun will rise and we will need more water tomorrow and we are forced to live, live without them. 

There is a grief that arises from the healing of a pain. As if the sharpness of the pain was tangible enough to hold you tight to that person. And when the pain fades, will they fade with it? Will you be letting them go? Is their face, their voice, their laugh vanishing? I find comfort in the pain. With the pain I know she is close to me, I can see her tossing her salad with her cargo pant capris and lipstick on. She is alive in my memories, even within the cloud of pain so heavy I can't take a breath. She is there, cheering me on, laughing at my stories. She is still alive and well in my mind. If I heal, I will forget. If I forget, I will die.

"thought I'd see you one more time again"

Old Friends

Spent the day with my family and friends that I haven't seen in what feels like a lifetime or more.  Some of them have children grown enough to not remember me, some of them look totally different then when we last spoke and still others haven't shifted in any way.  That amazes me.

Most people who weren't expecting to see me looked genuinely surprised.  They said Hello but then did the double take "Hello!" immediately after.  I hope its because I looked so good that they didn't know it was me.....or maybe they just never thought they'd see me there.  Either way, they were shocked.

Funny how time passes and life passes and a year can slip so quickly for some of us and crawl by so painfully for others.  I felt the loss of one friend just as sharply as ever, the empty seat where she should have been like a beacon to me, pulsing her absence, glaring in my face.  I saw her family, raw still and wounded from losing her.  I am happy to have seen each of their loved faces and held them in my arms, even just for a moment, but the loss of her was like a terrible bitter taste in my throat, strong and burning making breathing difficult and filling my eyes with tears. Its almost been a year. It feels like no time has passed at all without her. I'm still holding my breath, waiting for her to sit down.

Most of all I was with my family, my whole family, together under one roof...as it should be, as I have wanted it to be for a very long time.  The only one missing was Dennis, since he was abandoned by me back in Florida (for further guilty confessions on this subject please see the previous blog entry)

The empty seat next to me was a reminder of the fact that my life and the me I am in my life now has changed in a year too.  Dennis is my life now and even being with all these people I love and miss, without him there is no home.  I am home in location but Dennis is where I hang my hat.  Its a seemingly obvious conclusion to many, I'm sure....but a reassuring one to me nonetheless.   Missing my husband is a good thing in my eyes.

I feel exhausted from the day, all tattered around the edges but not in a negative way.  I feel spent and satisified that I was able to connect with so many people from the pages of my memories.  Especially some toward whom I had given up for lost, scratched them off completely whenever they entered my thoughts.  I am happy to see their faces again and share a laugh with them, as if we saw each other only yesterday.  I have missed them and being in their company again, falling into the old ways with them again was so natural and so right.  Easy....as if nothing has changed.  In a spinning world of change, an island of something constant has a nice feeling to it.

Old friends...old friends..sat on their park bench like bookends....

can you imagine us years from today..sharing a park bench quietly

how terribly strange to be seventy......

time it was and what a time it was it was

a time of innocence, a time of confidences

long ago it must be, I have a photograph

preserve your memories, they're all that's left you