TORN

"Having edges that are jagged"  "Lacerate"

Maybe "torn" isn't the right word but it's where my mind goes to when I think about putting into words what I feel.  I'm visiting my family and today is the last day, I fly away in a few hours. And I would say I feel torn, between the people and things I love here and the life I have back there.  Torn and even a little guilty.  Guilty for loving a new place and faithless to my home state.

There is something to be said about "coming home".  Everyone is so happy to see you and there is never enough time to see all the people you want to see.  And you end up missing the people you left behind to get here is the first place.  My mother said "You can't have it all"  So true. When you come back home, you fit so well with whatever is going on.  You know where you are, where you are going.  You know everyone and everything.  There is very little surprise.  It is comforting to be where you know the beginning and the ending.

As I reflect back I am struck by how I have been misbehaving.  No one has accused me but its true, I have said mean things about FL and I've been whining even more than usual. I have been rude to her, thoughtless and difficult.  As it turns out, no one place has it all.  Back in FL I have begun to create a life there.  Obviously my husband is there and that's a reason to go back but more than that, I have people I care about and people I miss. I have a routine there. I have a coffee shop I like, finally.  And a really great bagel shop where they know my name.

Being back with my parents I realize that I have no definite spot here. No room to go back to and it even smells different here than I remember.  I am a visitor now. It is where I'm from, where my family is but its not my home.  Not anymore. My clothes aren't there, my dog, my shoes, my stuff...nothing is there. When you look from room to room, there is no evidence that I lived there at all.  It feels weird..  I guess I thought I would have left a more indelible mark.

And that's okay,,,even..dare I say..normal?  I am happy to be close to everyone I love up here but I can't stay because there is no place for me here anymore.

Back in FL, besides the obvious things I miss, there are the hooting mad Sandhill cranes in the woods behind our house that I miss listening to and laughing at. I miss the sound of the alligators too.  And I miss the view of the sky..how big it is and how beautiful the clouds look.  I miss the palm trees swaying in the light wind...I miss walking Anna and seeing countless bunny rabbits that she loves to dash after. The air in Florida always smells like flowers, like living growing things.  I have grown accustomed to the face of Florida and I think if I let myself, if I stop feeling bad for myself long enough, I may learn to love her.

I guess I have become rooted.

Rather than feeling torn, perhaps I now have two homes and I'll never have to choose between them.

My husband is out of town for the second week in a row.  I'll admit right here and now that I feel overwhelmingly disappointed in myself for missing him. As if in missing him I'm no longer a strong and independent woman of singleness.  Having been married now for 5 months and living in a foreign country known by some as South Florida, I have slowly become, without my realizing it...a... wife (gasp) Can't I be an independent married woman that doesn't lose her reason every time her husband stays away for a few nights? I mean really! I need a mental slap.

Truly though...I was surprised to find myself more than a little lost without him.  I came home from work, walked Anna, fed Anna, fed myself, curled up to a movie...made cookies and ate too much cookie dough (on the side, why do I always do that each and every time I make cookies? I eat so much dough that I make myself ill and lose interest in the cookies themselves.  I feel like I've used the cookies, taken their youth, their dough, and now that they are baked and ready to be eaten, I'm lying on the kitchen floor in agony, unable to even look at them. Its shameful. I brought them into this world but now I am too gluttonously full to eat them) Anyway....I did all that, including housework and took a long hot bath...and here I am, at 9:30 PM...staring at my phone....checking and rechecking it to see if its working.  Wondering why he isn't calling me.  Funny how much I miss him. I didn't expect this.

It's worse in the morning because he walks Anna.  Without him here, her little face pops over the edge of my side of the bed, with her big sad brown eyes...pleading with me to get up and please  TAKE HER OUT!

She is polite about it ...she never barks or demands in anyway but she doesn't have to.  Her eyes say it all... Still....its 6 in the morning.....Seriously Anna, my eyes are still pig slits.  I stumble out and try to do a good job at making it fun for her but I can tell its not the same as when Dennis takes her.  Then a rabbit darts into view and Anna is off like lightening, with the leash bouncing along behind her and it feels as though most of my right arm is hanging from it's socket after her lunge toward little Cotton Tail...but I could be exaggerating..I've been known to blow things out of proportion..just a tad.

After I catch up with Anna/rabbit killer wanna be and reattach my mangled arm...I'm even more grumpy and poor Anna is not getting the walk she is used to.  Sigh.  It would seem that both girls in this house are suffering since Dennis went away.

At least we have each other. And chocolate chip cookies.

Wait....is that my phone???

With a little help from my friend

A woman was walking along singing to herself with joy in her heart and no fears. She was so carefree she wasn't full paying attention to where she was walking. Suddenly, she tripped up on a huge hole and fell down so deep she was unable to reach the top to pull herself out. She shouted for help, "Help me, can someone please help me?"

A head popped into view, that of the local doctor. "Please help me" she asked the doctor. "Here is a prescription for your fear and anxiety" he said and threw down a piece of paper and then walked off.

 "Help me, is anyone there that can help me?", the trapped woman desperately asked. A voice called back "I am here" and over the edge of the hole came the face of the local politician "This is such a tragedy! This should have never happened to you.  I am going to pass a law to ensure that holes like this are filled in so that no one else falls in again!" and he disappeared.

"Help me please, someone" cried the woman trapped in the hole. Over the hole came a face she knew, a dear friend of hers. "Please help me" she pleaded. Without a word her friend jumped down into the hole with her.

"What are you doing?! No we are both trapped!" said the woman.

"No" replied her dear friend. "I've been down this hole before. I know the way out. I will help you find it"

I knew a girl once who was trapped. She was walking along, without a pain in her heart or a fear in her mind when suddenly she fell down deep into what appeared to be an endless pit without hope of escape. She called but no one could hear her for some time. Finally a few would come to the edge of her pain and watch her suffering, even offering a few tips on how better she could be handling her situation. Yet no one offered her real aid, real help.

Then one night a dear friend, with many troubles and fears of her own, came along and saw what was happening. Saw the fear and the pain and the entrapment. So without a second thought and without hesitation this dear friend jumped right down into that hole and sacrificed her own comfort and her own desires to help pull her friend out. That night, in all honesty, a life was saved and a friendship was bonded closer than it ever could have been.

Never underestimate the good that you can do when you set aside your fears and your own needs to truly jump in and help someone you know that has a need.

You could save their life.

And I also want to add, to that dear friend who acted without hesitation on that dark, cold night.....

Thank you, from the bottom of my very grateful heart

Stranger in a strange land.....

How do you acclimate to new surroundings? How do you make friends?

For me, its just a matter of making people laugh. Once I've managed that I pretty much feel at ease and then the relationship grows easily from there.

It would seem that I am losing my touch. At least down here in Florida. 

I say "seem" because this may just be the frantic ramblings of my own twisted mind.  It seems that my humor isn't appreciated here in Florida as it is back home. I've noticed that I get a lot of "You're not from around here, are you?" and "Are you new here?" along with my personal favorite "You need to slow down and say that again...you're from up North aren't you?".  I am too fast for Florida. I move too fast, I talk to fast and I think too fast, or so I have been told,   daily.

It would seem that although Florida is a great melting pot (or God's waiting room, as some have referred to it) there are 'locals' who can smell a foreigner in 3 seconds flat.  And I stink heavily of North.  I may even have a neon sign hanging from me that says "NOT FROM HERE"....funny thing is that while I was living in France for 6 weeks I felt more at home, more welcome, then I do here in Florida.  Its not just a different state, its a different planet down here.

Maybe its the relentless heat that sets the die-in-the-wool Floridians apart from me.  Right there, I do not fit in,  I complain about the heat, they love it. I long for sweater weather, they get a chill in the shade. I want iced coffee 24/7 and they get a hot coffee and turn the air down to 75. The girls I work with wear long sleeve shirts under their scrubs because "its Fall weather" they tell me.  HAHAHAHAHA! I laugh my crazy-woman-ready-to-be-committed-to-the-nut-house-maniacal-laugh. ITS 85 DEGREES OUT AND HUMID! I don't care what the calender says, its endless summer here. But they look at me like I'M nuts, me...I'm the crazy one.  sigh

So tell me...how do I win them over? How do I get these Floridians to like me? I don't care about golf, I don't like baseball or football.  I am basically handicapped when it comes to playing sports of any kind. I am without an idea. My poor husband just rolls his eyes at me.

But then I meet a New Yorker and I'm in heaven! They talk like me, laugh loud like me, they sweat like me too. Its refreshing and wonderful. A little piece of home when ever I meet someone from the blessed state of NY or NJ...I'll even take a CT if I must. But of course a Massachusetts native is my second favorite...I haven't met anyone from my home state yet.  Still waiting for that moment. Its funny how we feel so comfortable with people that known the streets we know and have eaten at the same resturants as us. Its such a bonding experience to share the memory of the same bakery. And whenever I talk to someone from back home they tell me how much they hate it here. Now I would never go so far to say hate, not yet anyway. I wonder why they came and why they stay?

So back to the original problem. How do I win over these strangers? These people who mean me no harm but just don't understand me at all. And I don't understand them! I want to make nice, I long for acceptance.  I'm sorry I complain about the heat and the humidity. Really, I am trying. Please forgive me, dear Floridians.  I mean you no disrespect. What can I do to gain your approval? I'm sorry I talk fast, and I'm sorry I like snow. Seriously, I do like snow and I am sorry for it.  I just can't help myself.

My mother runs a tight ship. There's no way around it, that's a fact. She is relentless and tireless and she knows how she wants things to be. And tonight I am missing that very much. I am missing her offering to iron my clothes as I'm about to leave the house "because you would look better if they were ironed Sarah". I miss her making me dinner every night. I miss her laughing so hard at something I said that she chokes on her water...she always made me feel really funny when that happened. Why is it that we miss what we can't have anymore?

Its just a quiet Wednesday night. I love Wednesdays. My favorite day of the week. Even the way it's spelled and pronounced is exciting. I just love me some Wednesday. Anyway....I've been reflecting today about my mum. You see, I came home after work and tried my best to make some dinner out of nothing at all. Turns out it's easier to make love that way, dinner on the other hand requires ingredients. At least when I cook it does. But my mum, she is one of those people who can make magic out of canned corn and well, nothing at all. I had the honor of moving back home after a long long absence and not until moments like tonight do I realize just how amazing she is.

Seriously. I'm not scoring points with her by saying this. For one thing, she isn't even a follower of my blog and she will probably not even read this, ever. So this is straight from my heart and my empty stomach. That woman always has dinner ready and there is always something to snack on...and there is always a back up package of eggs downstairs in the extra fridge...and extra cheese...and bread in the freezer...and everything you would need to make a cake or brownies or chili in the cupboard (just in case). She has tons of butter and milk always on hand (in a half vegan home) along with every alternate food you could imagine. The basement shelves look like Stop and Shop and Wholefoods trucks have been unloading their goods for weeks down there. And its not nasty food you don't want to eat. She has it all...ready and on hand.

But its not just food...the woman thinks of everything...the house is perfect every moment..you never catch it looking dishevelled. My house..well, I try but it always looks like a work in progress. And my mother's trash never smells and is NEVER overflowing...ever. It doesn't even get full. I'm in awe of that....more in this moment then ever. When I get home I just want to curl up and die. When she gets home she just keeps going...and going and then she irons something.

All the laundry, all the cleaning, all the food prep and food shopping..and she pays her bills on time. I used to think I would wake up in the middle of the night and find her working away on things in the dark like a crazy elf but nope, she would be sitting in her big green chair, with her socks and slippers on, reading a book until the wee morning hours. How does she do it?

I haven't a clue but I am in awe of her and I miss her. I wish I could walk into that dark room and interrupt her from her reading to tell her about the tiny, unimportant worry I have burrowing away in my mind. I know she would stop what she was doing, place her book mark and calmly listen to whatever I'm saying, without complaining that I was taking away her quiet time. I miss my mum tonight...I guess I miss her every night.

Thank you for making life so much better Jane, with all your crazy tireless work you do every single day without complaint. You are a warrior and I am missing you tonight.

Easy Like Sunday Mornings

Sundays....when, for me at least, laundry isn't so tedious, making elaborate breakfasts are necessary and the only worry I have is how to change the music from my husband's choice of Jazz to something more my taste...anything more my taste. The sound of the fridge making ice would be more my taste. The Sandhill cranes laughing at me from the water behind our house is more soothing to me than the Jazz but for peace's sake, I'll leave it be. After all, its Sunday morning and He walked the dog for me, went food shopping before I even rolled out of bed. The least I can do is make him whole wheat pancakes and suffer with a little Jazziness.

Maybe my magnanimous mood comes also from the weather. Things are cooling down here in Florida and cool air has brought back my sense of humor and my love of life. For a while there I didn't think I was going to survive. The heat was so intense that it made you feel like you were baking from all directions...my spleen was cooked by the time I reached the car in the morning. And forget swimming in the outdoor pool. After one lap I was turned into a boiled carrot. But now I can almost imagine wanting to make soup, rather than BE soup. Almost. It still becomes high 80's by midday and that is still hot in my book. So while my friends and family begin to dress for Fall, pick apples and make pumpkin pie, I am wearing a bathing suit and turning the air on every day. Not a terrible way to live. But I miss the smell of Fall in the air and the leaves dropping all around my car every day. I miss the frosty windshield in the morning and the desire to wrap my hands around my warm coffee in the morning. There is something so normal and natural about the change of seasons. Here it feels a little like endless Summer. Like a woman in her fifties who still shops in the junior department of Macy's. Even if she can fit in the clothes you want to shout "Give it up!!" That's what Florida feels like to me now. Like the Summer should be waning and its not. For me it's something against nature to be so comfortable still with wearing sandals. I mean, its mid-October...I should not be wearing sandals still..it's just wrong. Isn't it?

There is no obvious change here...no change of leaves, no flowers that fade away. I saw a display of pumpkins downtown but with the backdrop of palm trees it just felt false and a little crazy.

But I love the coolness at night and the endless sun during the day. I love how it only seems to rain at night or late afternoon and never for very long. I love the tiny lizards that dart in front of me everywhere I walk outside and the flowers blooming constantly. As it turns out there are many things I have come to love here.. Of course, it is Sunday morning and everything is easier and better on Sundays.

I have been silent for some time. Many people who know me would be grateful for the reprieve. The reason for my uncharacteristic silence? No internet connection in my new home....

Okay, that is the main reason.....there are a few others....as follows..

1. I have suffered a deep heartbreak and the shock of it has knocked my thoughts too far to catch them
2. The internet reason
3. I began a new job and spent every moment of my breathing existence worrying about it.. "Am I doing a good job...do they like me....can they tell that I often talk to myself and even answer myself back which at times results in a heated debate with myself which can at times become violent..." 
4. I am very bewildered by my new situation here in FL. I get lost each and every time I leave the gated driveway. That is with my GPS on. The amazing part is how I try to play it cool every time I have to turn around. I think to myself, "I am bored with going South on 95, I am turning around and heading North now. I am so cool, I can do that on a whim" When really, I got on going the wrong way in the first place. (I always say these things in my head with an English accent. Somehow I feel very clever when I do it that way) Also, I think it wonderful that I feel the need to explain myself, when no one is around to ask me what I am doing. I explain myself to myself. Oh, this is fun, yesterday I dropped my clothes as I was pulling them out of the dryer and I apologized to myself...OUT LOUD. Yep, I'm a certified hot mess.
5. What is this list about again?.....oh yes, where I have been these past few weeks.
6. Grieving. And as it turns out, without any practice, I'm really quite good at it.

I have, since being unemployed this past week, baked, cooked, swam, walked, beached myself (I discovered..after going the wrong way the first time..that I live 14 miles from the loveliest beach)...walked my dog..talked to my dog and generally moped about the house..crying one moment and smiling the next (both emotions coming from blurbs of memory flashing across my mind)

Recently I bought a package of M&Ms to cheer myself and once I opened the package and began to pour them into a dish, I burst out crying. So that didn't work, did it?

I think what I have really been doing is hiding. Hiding from reality. If I don't go on with my life, time won't pass, and if I don't stare my pain in the face, it will go away. I just have to stay very still......and quiet....shhhhhhh!....here it comes...I see it...I can hear it breathing...I'll just hide here a little longer and it will move on...

But it doesn't work that way, does it? No...pain and heartbreak find you, no matter how far you bury your head in the sand. So I am writing this as therapy. I am sticking my toe in the water again, as it were. ....