I have been silent for some time. Many people who know me would be grateful for the reprieve. The reason for my uncharacteristic silence? No internet connection in my new home....

Okay, that is the main reason.....there are a few others....as follows..

1. I have suffered a deep heartbreak and the shock of it has knocked my thoughts too far to catch them
2. The internet reason
3. I began a new job and spent every moment of my breathing existence worrying about it.. "Am I doing a good job...do they like me....can they tell that I often talk to myself and even answer myself back which at times results in a heated debate with myself which can at times become violent..." 
4. I am very bewildered by my new situation here in FL. I get lost each and every time I leave the gated driveway. That is with my GPS on. The amazing part is how I try to play it cool every time I have to turn around. I think to myself, "I am bored with going South on 95, I am turning around and heading North now. I am so cool, I can do that on a whim" When really, I got on going the wrong way in the first place. (I always say these things in my head with an English accent. Somehow I feel very clever when I do it that way) Also, I think it wonderful that I feel the need to explain myself, when no one is around to ask me what I am doing. I explain myself to myself. Oh, this is fun, yesterday I dropped my clothes as I was pulling them out of the dryer and I apologized to myself...OUT LOUD. Yep, I'm a certified hot mess.
5. What is this list about again?.....oh yes, where I have been these past few weeks.
6. Grieving. And as it turns out, without any practice, I'm really quite good at it.

I have, since being unemployed this past week, baked, cooked, swam, walked, beached myself (I discovered..after going the wrong way the first time..that I live 14 miles from the loveliest beach)...walked my dog..talked to my dog and generally moped about the house..crying one moment and smiling the next (both emotions coming from blurbs of memory flashing across my mind)

Recently I bought a package of M&Ms to cheer myself and once I opened the package and began to pour them into a dish, I burst out crying. So that didn't work, did it?

I think what I have really been doing is hiding. Hiding from reality. If I don't go on with my life, time won't pass, and if I don't stare my pain in the face, it will go away. I just have to stay very still......and quiet....shhhhhhh!....here it comes...I see it...I can hear it breathing...I'll just hide here a little longer and it will move on...

But it doesn't work that way, does it? No...pain and heartbreak find you, no matter how far you bury your head in the sand. So I am writing this as therapy. I am sticking my toe in the water again, as it were. ....