Monday, December 20, 2010

To my sister Jen, the wind beneath my wings



So, unknown to me, my sister Jen has been following my blog (which makes me really happy) and has become quite jealous that she hasn't been given due mention in it (in her eyes at least).  So in view of that I plan on dedicating this entry to my memories of my older (much much older sister) Jen.

Her full name is Jennifer but I never remember calling her that. She is 5.5 years older than me (that was five and a half, not 55 years) and from my earliest memories she was always loving and protective of me. She wanted me to be well educated so at a very young age she would write out math problems for me on a huge chalkboard and threaten me with a yardstick if I didn't complete them. I may have been 5 years old at the time.  I also remember clearly at the age of four we would play with a Frisbee in our front yard. Jen would throw it for me and I would chase merrily off after it.  I did notice that with each throw she was getting closer and closer toward the forbidden river along the side of our house until finally she threw it into the water. However, our mother stopped me from retrieving it that last time and saved my young life.  Jen just loved to play with me.

For example, when her friend Rachel would come over to play Barbies, Jen would allow me (after I begged enough) to make the Barbie refrigerator out of paper and then allowed me to sit by the open doorway and watch them play in her room.  She was so generous with me, so patient.

Jen was the best crab catcher I have ever heard of. She knew just how to throw the line, what was the best bait and where the best crabs hid. Every summer trip to the beach she would take the lead in crab catching, humanely keeping them in buckets for the day and then their final release.  She was amazing.

Seriously though, once we grew up and she finished taunting me in front of her friends, we became quite close.  All joking aside, I can't imagine our family without Jen.  For years I have battled with consuming jealousy.  Jen was the funny one and the pretty one, which having both always seemed unfair to me. Wasn't one enough? No, she had to be blessed with both. Perfect hair and perfect blue eyes.

Jen makes everything fun or funny.  I mean everything. She can make me laugh like nobody's business.  She just has a way of saying things and looking at life that is without match in anyone I have ever known. No really, I mean it.  I promised Jen that this blog entry would be honest in every detail (even after she threatened me. She may still have that yardstick).

Jen is really great with animals, especially dogs and everything I know about training my dog I learned from her.  She is gifted with them.

I would say that Jen is strongest in her loyalty and her humor, her generous spirit and in her tireless support of those she loves.  Mocking you the whole time and making you laugh at yourself, she would be the first to give you the shirt off her back, the bag in her closet (as long as it isn't the Kate Spade bag or the Gucci.....  any other one yes!), and she would rally around you (me) whenever it was needed. She is a loyal cheerleader and a fierce defender.

I can remember convincing Jen to accompany me to NY at the crack of dawn to stand outside in the freezing rain for hours in November because I thought there might be a secret U2 concert there.  And there was and we will always have the memory of screaming and dancing and singing with the lucky few who stood and waited.  Amazing.  And then she was the one keeping me awake on the drive home. She talked for 4 hours straight, even singing the alphabet to help me not nod off.  Jen really is the best sport.  It helps that I can pretty much talk her into anything.

And she is the best co-pilot too.  And no matter where we head out too we always end up going the wrong way and having an adventure.  She even makes me laugh when I am stressed and the music has to get turned down because I'm lost. Jen knows that nothing changes on New Year's day and she knows that loving a music man ain't always what it's supposed to be. She also knows when to hold em and knows when to fold em.

She is my support whenever I hatch some crazy plan and want to see a show, a concert, a play, a musical or anything else. She is my party, party girl. The songs are in her eyes. She is my first pick for NY trips and we have had some wild ones. From front row tickets to operas and eating at Russian hide-away restaurants or crazy Polish diners, to shopping everywhere imaginable and walking for miles and miles till our feet bled just so that I could get the perfect picture of the skyline. Who else but Jen would do that for me, with me?

She is the one who chases away my darkness and she keeps me walking on when the rest of the world tries to break my glass heart.  She has had to break some of the worst news to me and she understood without words exactly what I needed and how.  I didn't feel quite so alone that night with her voice on the other end of the phone, sharing in my disbelief and pain. I'll always remember that.

I remember one dark period, right before I moved back in with my parents, when I was the poorest I have ever been.  No money for food or rent poor.  I worked so much, Jen would come to my loft to walk Anna for me. She must have noticed every week that I had less and less food in my cupboard.  I really don't know how I survived. Finally I had to decide between buying dog food or buying me food.  Anna won.  So I scrapped together enough to buy a roasted chicken and I lived off of it for a few days.  Finally it ran low and I took the last leg, literally, the last chicken leg with me to work for lunch. Well, Jen walked Anna and sent me a message on my phone that day...

"Your refrigerator looks like a vulture lives here, just water and the clean picked bones of a chicken"

I had to laugh.  When I got home, I arrived to find the fridge overflowing with food, the pantry closet full and my favorite pastries on the counter. A card from Jen was with the pastry saying that she loved me and that she just thought she would pick me up a few things.  A few things? It was a month's worth of groceries in my world. I proceeded to try one of everything until I was properly sick and lying on the floor of my kitchen, drowning in tears.  It was one of those moments in life, when you are faced with  an absolute dead end and someone opens a door.  That is what Jen did for me that day, and what she continues to do.

At my wedding recently, as hard as it was for both of us to part, she never added to my sadness.  I knew she was happy that I was happy, she knew that it was not goodbye. We laughed and ate and laughed some more.  Jen supported my every crazy idea without judgment.  Jen, I want you to know that you don't need me anymore, but I need you. I want you to know that you don't need anyone or anything at all.  Who's to say where the wind will take you, maybe to Florida??

Yes, for me, hands down, my relationship with Jen really solidified and went to the next level when I survived my divorce and she learned the ugly truth of my marriage.  She quickly, with lightening speed really, jumped into the fray to defend me in anyway she could.  Even looking for ways to run my Ex down with her car. My favorite was her logical plan that if we couldn't kill him, he should be sent to Jupiter because really, what was the point of his existence here on earth? She is the best.   Her love and devotion to me strengthened me in ways she may never fully understand. She helped me get to a better place.  She is my miracle drug, or is it drugs :)

Jen is one of the hardest parts of my new life here in FL. Being away from her. For me she represents the center of my family, the sun we all orbit around.  I can't meet her for lunch or shopping, or car pool with her, or run into her at our parent's house.  I took seeing her every week for granted.  I regret that.  But she never makes me feel badly about my choice, she never guilt's me when I call, or needles me about why she isn't mentioned more in my blog.  No, not Jen, she is too good to sink that low.

So here is to my sister Jen, who almost killed me as a baby, drowned me as a small child and saved me as an adult.  Jen brought music into my life and she still rocks my world, truly.  She brought me Sunday Bloody Sunday and I brought her a true appreciation of Meatloaf. Word!  I would be lost without my older sister and no matter how far apart we are or where we end up, nothing can keep us apart.  I love you Jen.

There really isn't enough room here to even scratch the surface of Jen. Maybe I should start a series?