T-Minus three days since Dennis left for France and although I was a hot crying mess when we said goodbye, so far I've held it together. With a lot of help from my friends here in FL and in other corners of the globe.
First let me say that I fly out to meet him in 12 days. That being said, at the end of the day, he is the one I want to see, laugh with, tell my stories too and fall asleep next too. Dennis is my favorite person, hands down and having him so far away is like having my heart cut in two.
Granted my heart is already feeling sore since just a few days ago my mother told me that the family has broken up. With me living here in FL, and everyone else I love being in Rhode Island...its the farthest apart we have all ever been. And now my sister Jen is talking about moving....moving states away from me and Rhode Island. My mother is right, we are all broken up. And maybe its the way of life and maybe for many families they move far away from each other early on in their adult lives so for those people, this whining may seem childish and small town backwater hillbilly. To those people, I am sorry. But it made my heart sink to my feet when my mom said that...because she is right. Things aren't the same, we aren't right down the street anymore and I am sad for that..and my heart is sore. I can't watch a movie with Kate whenever I want, I can't stop over at my mum's with flowers for her on my way home from work..I can't show my dad the latest cool pictures I've taken or the new thing my phone can do...I can't meet Jen for lunch and go shopping...I can't mind the Gap with Stacy at a moment's notice. I miss them all. I miss my girlfriends and guyfriends that I could hang out with and eat fried chicken with and meet for breakfast and just laugh and talk and talk and even not talk with. I miss them, each of them, for their own unique and beautiful way and the light they brought to my life. And even though we are still friends and I think of them each daily, I know that our time as it was is part of our history. I miss my friend Richard every Saturday morning and I miss the smell of my parent's house...I miss my mom and my dad...and I miss teasing Kate and getting her to eat fruit I only pretended to wash :) I miss the things of home and I know that those moments are truly only memories now because they can never happen again. Even if I lived there again, those times are past. For better or worse, those times have past. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry most of all to my mom that those times are past.
Of course to any who know me or who have read this blog, you know that I am in a constant state of homesickness. Really, homesickness has been my new place of residence. I'm afraid I may never leave.
And now with my favorite person thousands of miles away, my family on the other end of the coast...I am feeling a little alone.
But I have soldiered on by eating, baking, cooking, shopping and more eating. Thank you to my friends here who have spoiled me and kept me busy. And soon my friend Kerri will be here to occupy my days with laughter and alcohol and massage. Then off to France for me...then back to Florida with my friend Stacy coming out to spend the weekend. It takes a community to keep me busy and away from self-pity parties and self loathing. I have my chin up and my attitude is bright as I face the work week ahead..even No Smiles won't bring this girl down!
But there is a sore spot in my heart because my family is broken up. Who knows where Kate will go but I'm sure her feet will carry her to new adventures when she is ready. Hopefully we each will learn to appreciate each other all the more from being apart and work to find the time to get together regularly. After all, home is where your heart is, right? So if that is true, old ways may be past, but can't we make new ways? Can't we have new times in the future? I'd like to think so. I'd like to think that somehow, in the future, I'll be able to pop into my mom's house and bring her flowers for no other reason but because I love her. I'd like to think that I can stop to show my dad the newest cool thing I learned or seen or heard. I'd like to think that I will sit on Kate's bed and she will dish on everything that has happened to her since we last talked and I'd like to think that Jen and I will meet again at the Frog and Toad and laugh till our side hurt. Not today, not tomorrow... not now, but soon.
