"Having edges that are jagged" "Lacerate"
Maybe "torn" isn't the right word but it's where my mind goes to when I think about putting into words what I feel. I'm visiting my family and today is the last day, I fly away in a few hours. And I would say I feel torn, between the people and things I love here and the life I have back there. Torn and even a little guilty. Guilty for loving a new place and faithless to my home state.
There is something to be said about "coming home". Everyone is so happy to see you and there is never enough time to see all the people you want to see. And you end up missing the people you left behind to get here is the first place. My mother said "You can't have it all" So true. When you come back home, you fit so well with whatever is going on. You know where you are, where you are going. You know everyone and everything. There is very little surprise. It is comforting to be where you know the beginning and the ending.
As I reflect back I am struck by how I have been misbehaving. No one has accused me but its true, I have said mean things about FL and I've been whining even more than usual. I have been rude to her, thoughtless and difficult. As it turns out, no one place has it all. Back in FL I have begun to create a life there. Obviously my husband is there and that's a reason to go back but more than that, I have people I care about and people I miss. I have a routine there. I have a coffee shop I like, finally. And a really great bagel shop where they know my name.
Being back with my parents I realize that I have no definite spot here. No room to go back to and it even smells different here than I remember. I am a visitor now. It is where I'm from, where my family is but its not my home. Not anymore. My clothes aren't there, my dog, my shoes, my stuff...nothing is there. When you look from room to room, there is no evidence that I lived there at all. It feels weird.. I guess I thought I would have left a more indelible mark.
And that's okay,,,even..dare I say..normal? I am happy to be close to everyone I love up here but I can't stay because there is no place for me here anymore.
Back in FL, besides the obvious things I miss, there are the hooting mad Sandhill cranes in the woods behind our house that I miss listening to and laughing at. I miss the sound of the alligators too. And I miss the view of the sky..how big it is and how beautiful the clouds look. I miss the palm trees swaying in the light wind...I miss walking Anna and seeing countless bunny rabbits that she loves to dash after. The air in Florida always smells like flowers, like living growing things. I have grown accustomed to the face of Florida and I think if I let myself, if I stop feeling bad for myself long enough, I may learn to love her.
I guess I have become rooted.
Rather than feeling torn, perhaps I now have two homes and I'll never have to choose between them.
